Transatlantic Zeppelin

If elite Special Forces soldiers can’t find Osama bin Laden, maybe Jenna Bush could? Can American Idol survive if Ryan Seacrest joins the hunt? Should we dispatch Snoop Dogg?

A usually-ignored Congressman named Chuck Rangel (D-NY) continues his one-man quest to make young people learn to draft-dodge like Bill Clinton, whose ballyhooed Harlem office is next-door to Rangel’s. Rangel says a draft would spread the burden of fighting wars to the wealthy and privileged.

“We could end this war overnight,” Rangel said last week, “if we had a draft where everyone had to serve.”

The military has already acted on Rangel’s proposal by secretly drafting able-bodied young males—and females—according to an urgent forwarded email I received. Although I could be drafted, this announcement does not dilute my joy from today winning the “Grand Pr1ze of $25,00O,0O0.0” from a lottery in Nigeria.

Who will soon be donning a uniform? And what will they be doing? Will they be better at fighting wars than professional soldiers? Here are the results of my investigation.

Let’s start with the war’s big prize: Osama. Nobody has penetrated the liar’s lair, but newly-minted Specialist Jenna Bush is prepared to try. Specialist Bush demonstrated “mad skillz” at using fake identification—despite obviously being the President’s underage daughter—to penetrate the tough security at Chuy’s bar in Austin. This reporter visited Chuy’s to investigate, and the doorman didn’t even bother to ask for ID. The bodyguards of the world’s most successful terrorist might be a bit smarter. Oops.

One young partygoer who never saw the need for a fake ID is Private Paris Hilton, the new Joint Chiefs spokeswoman. Say “later, sexy” to the grizzled generals of Centcomm telling the movements of tank battalions. And say “hi, cutie” to the pink princess telling the movements of her Chihuahua. (Let’s hope that Tinkerbell makes her movements in the litter box… .oops!)

As spokeswoman, Private Hilton would bring a touch of honesty to a military that is often accused of hiding the facts. Here is her reaction when dropped into Iraq’s desert yesterday: “That’s hot.” Who can argue with that? Rumor says that President Bush loves the straight-talk.

Like many people called up, Private Hilton can live on the military’s near-poverty wages because of her well-endowed bank account. Her equally un-endowed body fits well into military uniforms, while her eating habits use half the MREs of a typical G.I. Jane.

Also holding a well-endowed bank account is draftee Colonel Donald Trump, Jr., who is running rebuilding efforts. He has already signed agreements to build three major casinos on Kurdish reservations. Colonel Trump has already been promoted to an officer’s rank on account of being the only one recent draftee to have attended—and actually passed—college.

Considering Los Angeles’s concentration of wealthy and spoiled soldiers-to-be, the Selective Service soon scraped the bottom of the barrel there.

The draft took Private Calvin Cordozar Broadus, better known as rapper Snoop Dogg. A Joint Chiefs “spokesprincess” identified as Private Hilton confirms that the military denied Private Broadus’s request to create a new military rank of “Doggfather.”

Private Broadus has been assigned to guard Iraqi prioners. “Those naked prisoners have longer rap sheets than the ODB,” said Private Hilton. “And I think Rummy will really like Dogg’s ‘doggystyle’ discipline.” A prison-abuse scandal will come to light when teenagers hack sexually-explicit “doggystyle” prison photos out of Private Hilton’s Sidekick. Oopshizzle!

The Selective Service in LA also drafted Nick Lachey, on-again-off-again husband of chicken-of-the-sea Jessica Simpson. Lachey joins the same platoon as Kobe Bryant. Corporals Lachey and Bryant are wasting no time in deflowering the 72 virgins that so motivate sexually-frustrated suicide bombers. The military should note that they’ll soon need a week of leave to visit Harry Winston in a bid to convince their wives to forgive the cheating. Oops, I didn’t mean to, honey!

To avoid being called up, LA-based Ryan Seacrest finally said yesterday what the world already knows: Seacrest, out! Word is that a few other celebrities are also thankful for “don’t ask, don’t tell.” But what’s the military’s policy on metrosexuals?

Fortunately, the military has some standards, and some promising draftees failed the cut. Britney Spears was considered ideal, except for her new baby and that barfing episode at the LA Ritz-Carlton’s pool. As luck would have it, a drafted Britney would probably use her trailer-park toughness to do something heroic, resulting in an honorary event with a Japanese Prime Minister, and… “Oops, I did it again.” That would be just too toxic.

Thanks to Chuck Rangel’s draft, we now have the finest conscripted military in the land: Jenna, Paris, Nick, Donnie, the Doggfather, and Kobe. The new draft has netted the American military a cast of clowns who do not want to serve and are desperately unqualified to serve. The American military is the world’s best because it is composed of professional soldiers. We’re asking for trouble if we use a draft to send in the clowns.

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