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May 22, 2005

Super-size me!

I have been appointed referee for the cheeseburger eating contest.

Dear Cluster Pals and Palettes,

In response to recent talk about the declining state of Columbia athletics I am pleased to invite you to the Inaugural Columbia Business School

CHEESEBURGER EATING CONTEST

The venue which has been earmarked is a Scottish themed contemporary American dining establishment known as “McDonald’s” at 125th and Broadway. The rules are set out below:

1. The winner shall be the person who consumes the most “Cheeseburgers” in one hour exactly. For those who prefer, plain “Hamburgers” or “Veggie Burgers” are acceptable alternatives.

2. Each athlete shall pay $10 to enter with the winner taking the entire pool. In the event of a tie there will be a play off which will consist of the speed consumption of a small packet of fries. (In the unlikely event that we still have a tie the prize pool will be placed at a distance of 50 paces from the athletes who will then undergo a straight forward footrace to claim the bounty).

3. Each athlete must bring a trainer to work their corner while they compete. The trainer may provide advice, encouragement and soothing stomach rubs as well as designing strategy and tactics. They may also purchase the cheeseburgers to be consumed and must keep an accurate and verifiable record of their athlete’s final number. Trainers may not aid in the consumption of the burgers. It is recommended that trainers wear towels around their necks so that they look like those people in the corner of boxing matches, they should also be prepared to occasionally shout “Eye of the Tiger, Rock, Eye of the Tiger” and ideally have a stopwatch slung around their shoulders for no very good reason other than it looks cool. Unnecessary aggression and baiting of opponents is also encouraged (“You know, bud, you’re a real quarterpounder. Take a look at my guy right here, now that’s a halfpounder…he could eat your personal best for breakfast”)

4. The competition will be held on Wednesday 25th May at 3:30pm until 4:30 pm following our Operations class (it will therefore solve a dual purpose of seeing how the restaurant copes with the surprise order of 60 odd cheeseburgers as an operational bottleneck and dispelling our Operations induced cravings for hamburgers).

Please let me know if you wish to compete and who your trainer will be. Otherwise please come along to spectate. We currently have five confirmed athletes:

Maury “El Gaucho” Pages – This lean, mean cheeseburger eating machine hales from Argentina, the spiritual home of dangerous beef consumption. Weaned on jerky, Maury was eating twice his bodyweight in ground chump steak from an early age. He is the current holder of the South American Pork Chomping Cup and is an honorary member of the Latin American Meat Eating Society.

Casey “The Black Widow” Dove – Beautiful but deadly is how none of her fabricated opponents have never described this wholesome all American scourge of hot sandwiches. Her nickname comes from her unlikely habit of eating her unsuspecting competitors into defeat and then eating them from their head to de feet. Casey holds the US records for Whoppers and Fillets O Fish, the only person to ever achieve the elusive Surf and Turf double.

Ames “Go Large” Brown – From a distinguished family of power eaters, Ames has eaten himself fit to burst at many of the world’s finest establishments. He was famous for once ordering the renowned menu gourmand at Maxim’s in Paris and, on being complimented for his choice, breaking the chef’s heart by then telling him to simply “mix it all up in a bucket and give me a spoon”. Ames has also been carried from the Ritz in London in a soufflé induced state of unconsciousness and was once refused service at the 21 club for ordering 22 entrees.

Itamar “The Ironman” Har-Even – In peak cheeseburger condition, this tri-eathlete regularly competes in the professional Iron Man Eating World Tour. The events consist of an all day menu of gluttony, from the 50-egg breakfast omelet through the club sandwich lunch (the club has over three hundred members) to the deadly dinner of death, a chest clutching array of deep fried cheese a la creme served on a bed of lard candy and washed down with neat whisky (comes with a nice salad – romaine or crispy lettuce).

Rob “British Beef” Baruch Bush – Driven crazy by the mad beef of his native land, Bush is a dark horse in the competition. When he is not competitively consuming cheeseburgers he sits around in his underpants at home sniffing stolen clothing, watching Geraldo re-runs and muttering incoherently about how he’ll show them all for rejecting his idea of a genetically modified army of super mutants. Oh yes he’ll show them…laugh at me will you…insane am I? We’ll see who has the last laugh when I enslave the human race and have them construct a mighty statue in my honor, 8000 feet tall and hewn in solid marble…

The Vegas odds have been published, but before the competitors get underway, I want to note the following in public:

1) Contestants are allowed to expel the contents of their stomach into a bucket provided by the trainers; doing so once or multiple times does not deduct from one's total consumption, provided that the food expelled actually reached the stomach. Betters should investigate whether any competitors are former bulimics, as this might give them an advantage.

2) All competitors and their trainers shall provide me a signed affadavit swearing that if they eat themselves to the point of death or illness, it's their own damn fault!

3) The referee reserves the right to end the contest for health and safety reasons and declare a winner.

(Happy Birthday, Janelle and Matt!)

Posted by adrianjo at May 22, 2005 12:00 PM

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