Transatlantic Zeppelin

« Oh no! Paris porn is on TV! | Main | I want to be a millionaire »

May 25, 2005

Cheeseburger Challenge - Official Results

A group of 30 MBA students descended on the McDonald's on Broadway at Martin Luther King Drive in Manhattan at 3.30PM today, where we placed an order for some 60 hamburgers and cheeseburgers. Cries of "no way that order's right" were heard from astonished kitchen workers. Seven brave members of our number offered to consume the warm sandwiches in a half-hour contest of speed (rules here), with the winner receiving a pot of $20.78. Here are the official results:

Well, the wrappers have been counted, the burger flippers have been paid their overtime, the Pepto-Bismol bottles have been drained and across New York the challengers are awaking from their beefy naps. The results are in from the Cluster Y Inaugural Cheeseburger Challenge. Here are the final standings:

1. Dave “The KFC Kid” Farrar - 12
2. Nathan “I’m gonna eat you” Zhou - 11
3 = Chris “Respectable Tally” McNally - 8
3 = “Muhammad Ale”ssandro Santo - 8
3 = Rob “British Beef” Bush - 8
6. Maury “El Gaucho” Pages - 7
7. Casey “The Black Widow” Dove - 6

The burgers arrive!

Match Report

Steady and professional throughout, “The KFC Kid” gave a virtuoso display of cheeseburger chomping. Any young kids out there hoping to eat for their colleges or states would do well to study the composure and dedication that this giant of binge eating brings to the veneer and vinyl tables of the country’s fast food outlets. It was a true pleasure to dine across from him and he richly deserved his $20 bounty (and bonus prize to follow soon). He managed an extraordinary, Olympian, health threatening, insurance policy invalidating 12 burgers! Matching him, for a time, burger for burger was the other pre-tournament favorite “I’m gonna eat you”. Striking terror into the already indigestion riddled chests of his opponents he sat down with an intimidating three bottles of water and a look of pure hunger. Despite a desperate attempt at the almost unheard of triple burger (steam-rollered paper thin by Nordeman’s trusty behind), “I’m gonna eat you” could not get it down in time and was counted out on a Technical Spit Out to finish on 11.

Muhammad Ale and The KFC Kid get rolling

Joint third on 8 were “Respectable Tally” (a proponent of the slow and steady school and one to watch in the future), “British Beef” (whose elaborate costumery was to again prove his downfall) and “Muhammad Ale”. In classic Ale style, this highly touted chomp champ tried to scare his opponents with photos of his colossal breakfasts and indiscrete peaks of his well-rounded tummy (proud testament to his years on the pro circuit). He even showboated throughout the tournament like a Harlem Burger Trotter, chatting with fans, throwing down mid-meal McNuggets and ordering exotic sauces to burnish his burgers. Despite his confident assurance to eager fans that he would finish his own attempt at the arse-trampled triple that Nordeman put his way with minutes to spare, it was not to be and he could manage just 8.

I hope you don't mind my posting this picture

In last place in the Men’s event, “El Gaucho” never looked comfortable competing outside the choice cuts of his homeland. Picking at his food like a fussy child he managed just 7 burgers, a far cry from his now ludicrous assertion that he would manage at least 20. Kids’ Meal anyone? And last, but by no means least, the runaway winner of the Women’s Event, “The Black Widow” (dressed in her trademark black eating outfit) proving that you can still stay trim even as a professional burger banisher and elegantly chewing her way through 6, she even had the good grace not to devour any of her fellow competitors (another bonus prize on the way).

The competitors, spectators, and referee gather for a celebratory photo

By my reckoning, this was a total of an even 60 hot sandwiches. According to McDonald’s nutritional advice (surely an oxymoron) this is an incredible 18,600 calories, 630g of fat and 2100mg of cholesterol (around 8 days worth of the recommended max). An incredible achievement and something of which we can all be truly proud…

UPDATE: Transatlantic Zeppelin has obtained a statement from the winner:

I would like to give thanks and praise to God, because without him this monumental championship would not have been possible, obviously he shines his favor on me and his dislike and scorn upon all whom I conquered today.

Graciously and humbly yours,

The Champ

PS. I want to die...

Posted by adrianjo at May 25, 2005 09:24 PM

Comments

Post a comment